It's 3am and I can't help but reflect on how bittersweet my Christmas was. 24 hours ago I was happily sleeping over with my cousins at our Ate's place. The get-away from "home" - my mom and stepdad - was much needed. And as I'm reflecting it seems that my stepdad's presence in my family has been the cause of my animosity towards him, our whole "home" environment, and any holiday.
So while I should stop moping, dwelling, and being childish, it's not that easy. I feel that I have to hold back, and that I'll always be that youngin' at 5 years old who had no say and yet was expected to welcome my "dad" - when I sure as heck knew he wasn't. Assuming this submissive position has lasted until now, and no doubt it's brought on other unhealthy and unnecessary crap especially since I rarely stand up for myself. Cuz when I have, my say hasn't had much of a convincing effect.
I feel a little better letting some of this private stuff out. (Maybe I should get back to writing in my diary - yes, diary, not journal haha.) I guess Christmas is the most family-oriented holiday for me, so every December I hope something better happens than the previous one. I know that kinda expectation can be my worst enemy, and this time it was the same old up-and-down holiday.
I sincerely hope that you all had a memorable moment this Christmas that you can take away from it, no matter it turned out.
I miss Him so much this Christmas, even though He's born again and just a prayer away. If He were here I think this is what He would say to all of us (from "Moon" by Emily King):
"The night brings cold and suddenly you're longing for someone to hold ... You try to keep a sense of control, But inside you're unhappy. You long to feel whole. Just look to the moon and you'll feel that my love's right there with you."
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