I'm up at 2am just because I didn't feel like socializing a few hours ago and decided to take a nap. And now I realize, what else is new? I go on with my day-to-day stuff but any chance I get to run away from other stuff, I'll try to do so. But it never really goes away. The more I shut it out, the more apparent it is. The more "in my face" it is. And lately I've coped by bottling it all inside and worrying about the people closest to me. I've never really been good at "standing up for myself," but the way I'm coping is obviously not doing me any good. I'd like to consider myself a selfless person, but after sacrificing my concerns and needs for those people, I'm bound to reach that breaking point where I gotta be selfish. I think we're all entitled to that, and I need to remind myself it's human nature. I just hate how all I notice is the negativity around me, and worst yet, how I'm filled with so much anger and go on with my day-to-day stuff grudgingly.
Happiness - either it'll come on its own time or I'll have to be open to its already-present existence. But for now my happiness is up to me, of course. As much as I can dwell and let myself get hurt, I just can't put myself through that anymore.
"...But for now, it just a big dream
'cause I find myself in the place where I'm last seen
My thoughts must be relaxed,
Be able to maintain,
'cause times is changed and life is strange
The glorious days is gone, and everybody's doin' bad
Yo, mad lives is up for grabs
Brothers, passin' away, I gotta make wakes
Receivin' all types of calls from upstate
Yo, I can't cope with the pressure
Settlin' for lesser
The god left lessons on my dresser
So I can bloom and blossom, find a new way..."
- Wu-Tang Clan
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