August 6, 2009

"Don't stress that 'cause it's not in your bloodstream. Your whole being comes from greatness." -ATCQ

I wish I could do just that - not stress - more than I do regularly. But I always have to act and react from 2 extremes. I either feel really good about something - I set myself up for it and put any necessary prep into it - or I feel shitty about it cuz almost everything falls apart. Most of the time I perceive and take what exactly falls apart worse than they are, and "almost everything" can mean one slightest thing. I try but I can't handle "going with the flow" very well, and I can't stand disorganization and naiveness.

These pet peeves of mine get the best of me. Even on days that I can let loose, there's always this crazy methodical part of me that doesn't. I won't let go. Even when I went on vacation to Las Vegas a few weeks ago, I had to know everything that I knew I wouldn't experience in their entirety until their time came. It was a weird reminder of how I always am here at home, and even worse, for the past 3 months of my summer break. (But I think the experience of this 4-month long, post-secondary summer is an experience in itself. Halfway through I missed school and I'm looking forward to it, but that's another story haha.)

You'd think that having these crazy methodical ways, I would be able to fix them or at least work my way around them to reach some sort of contentment, but I just fall apart with the rest of whatever is happening. I think part of the problem is I try so hard to be heard and heard out, that I'm not even listening to myself. As I'm saying all this and realizing how much I'm "frontin" when I don't need to: I'm slowly learning that I can't just go around most shit that I didn't expect or like to come my way, but I'm more than capable of accepting and dealing with them so that I can move forward, and finally find that contentment.

...When "the answer to my comprehension is just too complex, and one minute from the next, I go from happy to vexed, I know that you're always there to be my outlet, a front of which which I haven't figured out yet. A resource, you pivot my efforts on the right course. It seats me, doin' whatever it takes to reach me."

Thank you

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